I tend to think a lot as most people know. If I start thinking on some tiny topic, like religion for example, I'd almost definitely go into thinking about life in general. I try to find meaning in things, when they shouldn't necessarily have meanings. Obvious things being existence, society, simple relationships with people. I spend a lot of time just thinking, playing out scenarios, events, ideas, over and over in my head. All to find meaning. I guess this was further provoked by something the priest said today at church. I'm not exactly relgious, I go for my mum really, however this particular priest can really get past the bullshit in the world and straight to what matters. I have a feeling I won't sleep tonight.
¶ 5:20 AM
Why can't this all just go away. Please. Just fucking piss off. The last thing I need right now is to be reminded of everything everywhere I look. I can't get away from it. There is always something, somewhere that will remind me. A tv show, a random inanimate object. I maybe "depressed" to everyone. But let's see how they deal with the shit I've been through the last year or so. And no it's not just fucking "girls". As so many people think it is. Right now I don't know where the fuck my life is heading. Seems like barely anyone gives a shit. They can just live their happy lives then I suppose. The shit that has happened over the last month or so really didn't help either. It's always heading downhill for me, what the fuck did I do really. I hope "god" is fucking happy. Go ahead big man in the sky, bring it. Because I highly doubt things can get any worse for me. I'm loosing friends and people constantly. Not to mention the people I've lost literally. I don't know what to do anymore.
¶ 6:40 PM
Don't you love it when your whole family gathers around and looks over the SAC you failed. Then your brother just has to point out how badly you failed. Followed by a 10 minute lecture as always. For fucks sake.
¶ 1:34 AM
Man some friends fuck sake. Don't start talking to me about girls and advice. Fuck man after the bullshit advice you've given me. The last thing I'm gonna do is help you out. Fuck off.
¶ 6:34 AM
So I was talking to a tumblr friend on fb and she was telling me about the Malaysian highschool system. I think I'm gonna complain less about VCE now....
They have 4 exams every year from GRADE 1!
Then they get to our equivalent of VCE final exams...
Three major exam = UPSR, PMR, SPM, optional = STPM
I wonder whether excluding yourself from the world for a period of time is the best way to understand yourself. I guess it's just you and nothing else then. No distractions.
¶ 6:06 AM
Why, it's all I can ask. Why do you feel the need to do this to so many people. It's not just me, you know it, everyone knows it. What I'm trying to figure out is why you do it. Don't pretend to be all innocent like you don't know what you are doing wrong. You know well and truly. So why do you continue to do it? Fucking why?
¶ 4:42 AM
Yeah seems to me my option 2 isn't really working out. It doesn't really help that I've got no one to really talk to anymore. Everyone seems too preoccupied with their other friends.
¶ 3:45 AM
I wonder whether my approach on friendships is really the right option. There are two different ways you can approach people and friendships.
1). Make friends with as many people as possible. Be a nice person all round to everyone,(with a few exceptions).
2). Make friends with a select group of people. Not really be that out there, and only trust those "few" that you consider good friends.
As is obvious I'm 2). But like I've come to realise a flaw in the whole "have only a few really close friends" option. If one of those friends starts loosening in their ties to you, things tend to get bad. Generally because with having a few closer friends, it effects you more when you start loosing them. You see having a larger number of friends means you can generally let people go quite easily. Just have a fall back plan and go on to the next person. But is being one of those numerous "fake" people really a good option. Turning into a generic plastic slave of society in return for a somewhat cliche'd happy life.
¶ 9:27 PM
Anyone ever had one of those moments. Were just by reading something or being told something, gives you that sinking feeling. Like actually drags you under for some reason. I'm so fucked now, with everything. Just don't really know what to do, I just sit here doing nothing.
¶ 7:04 PM
Stop fucking lecturing me on how I'm failing everything. Okay yeah I'm doing bad. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING BLAME IT ON ME LISTENING TO MUSIC. Oh he has some headphones in, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STUDY.
So you want me to stop listening to music when I'm studying. CAN YOU NOT FUCKING HEAR ME, I'M NOT STUDYING, I'M JUST READING. I fucking said that to you 10 times.
You know what parents, fuck you, fuck off, I don't give a fuck about you. Stop expecting me to be getting 100 percent on everything, I'm a fucking human, and you are the reason I'm starting to break down over all this shit. So fuck you, you are killing me inside, I hope you realise that. If I had somewhere to go right now besides home I would, so you better not push me. Because I will fucking do it. And stop comparing me to my fucking cousins, and worst of all to my fucking brother. He's in year 8 for fucks sake, so what he's getting 100% in math. Do you not fucking realise I did too at his age. I know he is your favourite, stop fucking rubbing it in.
So fuck this, fuck the world. Fuck you. Why has nothing ever good just happened to me. Just fucking once in my life, could the world stop giving me shit. Because I can't deal with all this fucking pressure, all these fucking expectations. All I want is happiness, can I just have that? What the fuck have I done so wrong to deserve this.
¶ 2:22 AM
Tell me that this is my mistake and you're not Telling me that this is the end, no I hope not And you are burning me inside Things that I've never meant to say I told you Things that you wanted me to say, I never did And this is burning me inside
I'll try to leave this behind I'll try to leave you afar
Would you disappear To where you've never been before I just can't let you be here no more And I'm not stopping you here So just disappear
Taken me down and let me drown I should've taken you down with me And all the things we share Lets just burn it all in sight
I'll try to leave this behind I'll try to leave you afar
Would you disappear To where you've never been before I just can't let you be here no more And I'm not stopping you here So just disappear
Would you disappear To where you've never been before I just can't let you be here no more And I'm not stopping you here
Would you disappear To where you've never been before I just can't let you be here no more And I'm not stopping you here So just disappear
¶ 3:46 AM
Fine. Go flirt with all your guys, get them all to like you until you find one you actually like back. That's cool. Go ahead. The shittest part of all this is that I can't hate you, as much as I want to, I just can't, I never will.
What a fucked up day. So much shit happened. Quite a way to end such a hectic term. Hopefully these holidays are much better.
¶ 12:39 AM
I really envy those who are religious for some reason. Whenever they come to some kind of major decisive moment in their life, they will always have religion behind them to help support them. For people like me we are generally on our own in these moments. We don't have that satisfaction of knowing there is some sort of devine being helping us along. And I wish sometimes that I had the gift of fate to believe that there is some kind of God. It would make things so much clearer for me. I mean I've tried being a buddhist like my dad, but to be honest I had a rough time properly thinking over the concepts. Then tried Christianity like my mum, but it's one of those religions where you have to accept things for what they are, and I just didn't have the faith I suppose. Answers is something I need, but is religion the place to find it?
¶ 1:12 AM
"Let me tell you this: If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
Never has a song ever quite definitely summed up my life atm.
Before the beginning - John Frusciante. (The song I have placed a few posts back)
It has no lyrics, just pure drums and guitar. And it is beyond words to describe. 9 minutes of pure emotion, nothing else. And it isn't that "play as many notes in 30 seconds" kinda song. It is just purely emotion. It is the only way I can describe it. And for some reason it gets to me. Just something I suppose I can connect to, and I understand it. Now I truly understand the capabilities of the guitar. It is a voice, not an instrument. It talks, it converses with you. This just shows how amazing John Frusciante is. For those who don't know who he is, he was the ex-guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers (my second favourite band). I hold so much respect for him. The amount of pain he has gone through in his life really shows in this. A sole guitar calling out in emptiness. And this song just sums me up completely atm.
¶ 2:55 AM
I guess I can't do anything now. What's done is done. Would I want to change what has happaned? Yes. But in the end I guess I just have to move on. Hoping that one day things will balance itself out. It was my decision, I have to stick with it. Goodbye.
¶ 6:45 PM
The world is full of beginnings and endings. Sometimes endings come without you really wanting them. But they are always necessary if you want new beginnings. Maybe it's just how the world works. I've made my decisions, no turning back. Now I just sit here, wondering, were they the right ones? I could've just lived a lie I suppose, just tried not to change things. But in the end the same situation will always eventuate. The hard decisions are always the ones that bring the most change.
¶ 12:25 AM
It is times like this, that one can understand true emotional pain. Pain that runs past just physical boundaries, pain that runs deep into your core. Tearing you apart from the inside. Blinding all sense of time. Slowly cutting away at your soul, as a part of you disappears. As a part of your very humanity is lost. Does anyone understand that pain. The pain of knowing a whole part of you, a whole part of your existance. Will be gone forever, will never be recovered. It goes further than just regret. It is much more than that. It is the knowledge of knowing. That a part of you, will be lost for eternity. That she will never return.
¶ 10:34 PM
Happy endings just don't exist for guys like me. Simple as that. We are just fucking wierd to you all. Outcasts in your mind. What the fuck is wrong with the world.
¶ 6:45 PM
You know for some reason I wasn't depressed like everyone expects me to be.
I had a reason not to be. But instead I wasn't. I guess everyone expects me to naturally be in a shit mood. But I came to a realisation today. It's the kind of realisation someone can only come to when they've been through a lot.
But yeah today I realised that yes shit things happen to me, maybe it isn't exactly fair. But something Ms Abels said sorta clicked in my head.
"It is only through failures that one can learn"
And as cliche as it might seem. In that moment I had one of those 'life flashed before my eyes' moments, except you know excluding the close to death part. The point being I've learn't a lot in the last year and a bit. And I mean A LOT.
So yeah in the end screw you. You wanted to screw me over. Fine then. Fuck you. Fuck my parents. Fuck bothering with girls. Fuck school. Fuck University. Fuck the education system. Fuck the government. Fuck money. Fuck my life.
¶ 12:16 AM
I tend to think a lot as most people know. If I start thinking on some tiny topic, like religion for example, I'd almost definitely go into thinking about life in general. I try to find meaning in things, when they shouldn't necessarily have meanings. Obvious things being existence, society, simple relationships with people. I spend a lot of time just thinking, playing out scenarios, events, ideas, over and over in my head. All to find meaning. I guess this was further provoked by something the priest said today at church. I'm not exactly relgious, I go for my mum really, however this particular priest can really get past the bullshit in the world and straight to what matters. I have a feeling I won't sleep tonight. << Home
Why can't this all just go away. Please. Just fucking piss off. The last thing I need right now is to be reminded of everything everywhere I look. I can't get away from it. There is always something, somewhere that will remind me. A tv show, a random inanimate object. I maybe "depressed" to everyone. But let's see how they deal with the shit I've been through the last year or so. And no it's not just fucking "girls". As so many people think it is. Right now I don't know where the fuck my life is heading. Seems like barely anyone gives a shit. They can just live their happy lives then I suppose. The shit that has happened over the last month or so really didn't help either. It's always heading downhill for me, what the fuck did I do really. I hope "god" is fucking happy. Go ahead big man in the sky, bring it. Because I highly doubt things can get any worse for me. I'm loosing friends and people constantly. Not to mention the people I've lost literally. I don't know what to do anymore. << Home
Don't you love it when your whole family gathers around and looks over the SAC you failed. Then your brother just has to point out how badly you failed. Followed by a 10 minute lecture as always. For fucks sake. << Home
Man some friends fuck sake. Don't start talking to me about girls and advice. Fuck man after the bullshit advice you've given me. The last thing I'm gonna do is help you out. Fuck off. << Home
So I was talking to a tumblr friend on fb and she was telling me about the Malaysian highschool system. I think I'm gonna complain less about VCE now....
They have 4 exams every year from GRADE 1!
Then they get to our equivalent of VCE final exams...
Three major exam = UPSR, PMR, SPM, optional = STPM
I wonder whether excluding yourself from the world for a period of time is the best way to understand yourself. I guess it's just you and nothing else then. No distractions. << Home
Why, it's all I can ask. Why do you feel the need to do this to so many people. It's not just me, you know it, everyone knows it. What I'm trying to figure out is why you do it. Don't pretend to be all innocent like you don't know what you are doing wrong. You know well and truly. So why do you continue to do it? Fucking why? << Home
Yeah seems to me my option 2 isn't really working out. It doesn't really help that I've got no one to really talk to anymore. Everyone seems too preoccupied with their other friends. << Home
I wonder whether my approach on friendships is really the right option. There are two different ways you can approach people and friendships.
1). Make friends with as many people as possible. Be a nice person all round to everyone,(with a few exceptions).
2). Make friends with a select group of people. Not really be that out there, and only trust those "few" that you consider good friends.
As is obvious I'm 2). But like I've come to realise a flaw in the whole "have only a few really close friends" option. If one of those friends starts loosening in their ties to you, things tend to get bad. Generally because with having a few closer friends, it effects you more when you start loosing them. You see having a larger number of friends means you can generally let people go quite easily. Just have a fall back plan and go on to the next person. But is being one of those numerous "fake" people really a good option. Turning into a generic plastic slave of society in return for a somewhat cliche'd happy life. << Home
Anyone ever had one of those moments. Were just by reading something or being told something, gives you that sinking feeling. Like actually drags you under for some reason. I'm so fucked now, with everything. Just don't really know what to do, I just sit here doing nothing. << Home
Stop fucking lecturing me on how I'm failing everything. Okay yeah I'm doing bad. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING BLAME IT ON ME LISTENING TO MUSIC. Oh he has some headphones in, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STUDY.
So you want me to stop listening to music when I'm studying. CAN YOU NOT FUCKING HEAR ME, I'M NOT STUDYING, I'M JUST READING. I fucking said that to you 10 times.
You know what parents, fuck you, fuck off, I don't give a fuck about you. Stop expecting me to be getting 100 percent on everything, I'm a fucking human, and you are the reason I'm starting to break down over all this shit. So fuck you, you are killing me inside, I hope you realise that. If I had somewhere to go right now besides home I would, so you better not push me. Because I will fucking do it. And stop comparing me to my fucking cousins, and worst of all to my fucking brother. He's in year 8 for fucks sake, so what he's getting 100% in math. Do you not fucking realise I did too at his age. I know he is your favourite, stop fucking rubbing it in.
So fuck this, fuck the world. Fuck you. Why has nothing ever good just happened to me. Just fucking once in my life, could the world stop giving me shit. Because I can't deal with all this fucking pressure, all these fucking expectations. All I want is happiness, can I just have that? What the fuck have I done so wrong to deserve this. << Home
Tell me that this is my mistake and you're not Telling me that this is the end, no I hope not And you are burning me inside Things that I've never meant to say I told you Things that you wanted me to say, I never did And this is burning me inside
I'll try to leave this behind I'll try to leave you afar
Would you disappear To where you've never been before I just can't let you be here no more And I'm not stopping you here So just disappear
Taken me down and let me drown I should've taken you down with me And all the things we share Lets just burn it all in sight
I'll try to leave this behind I'll try to leave you afar
Would you disappear To where you've never been before I just can't let you be here no more And I'm not stopping you here So just disappear
Would you disappear To where you've never been before I just can't let you be here no more And I'm not stopping you here
Would you disappear To where you've never been before I just can't let you be here no more And I'm not stopping you here So just disappear << Home
Fine. Go flirt with all your guys, get them all to like you until you find one you actually like back. That's cool. Go ahead. The shittest part of all this is that I can't hate you, as much as I want to, I just can't, I never will.
What a fucked up day. So much shit happened. Quite a way to end such a hectic term. Hopefully these holidays are much better. << Home
I really envy those who are religious for some reason. Whenever they come to some kind of major decisive moment in their life, they will always have religion behind them to help support them. For people like me we are generally on our own in these moments. We don't have that satisfaction of knowing there is some sort of devine being helping us along. And I wish sometimes that I had the gift of fate to believe that there is some kind of God. It would make things so much clearer for me. I mean I've tried being a buddhist like my dad, but to be honest I had a rough time properly thinking over the concepts. Then tried Christianity like my mum, but it's one of those religions where you have to accept things for what they are, and I just didn't have the faith I suppose. Answers is something I need, but is religion the place to find it? << Home
"Let me tell you this: If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
Never has a song ever quite definitely summed up my life atm.
Before the beginning - John Frusciante. (The song I have placed a few posts back)
It has no lyrics, just pure drums and guitar. And it is beyond words to describe. 9 minutes of pure emotion, nothing else. And it isn't that "play as many notes in 30 seconds" kinda song. It is just purely emotion. It is the only way I can describe it. And for some reason it gets to me. Just something I suppose I can connect to, and I understand it. Now I truly understand the capabilities of the guitar. It is a voice, not an instrument. It talks, it converses with you. This just shows how amazing John Frusciante is. For those who don't know who he is, he was the ex-guitarist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers (my second favourite band). I hold so much respect for him. The amount of pain he has gone through in his life really shows in this. A sole guitar calling out in emptiness. And this song just sums me up completely atm. << Home
I guess I can't do anything now. What's done is done. Would I want to change what has happaned? Yes. But in the end I guess I just have to move on. Hoping that one day things will balance itself out. It was my decision, I have to stick with it. Goodbye. << Home
The world is full of beginnings and endings. Sometimes endings come without you really wanting them. But they are always necessary if you want new beginnings. Maybe it's just how the world works. I've made my decisions, no turning back. Now I just sit here, wondering, were they the right ones? I could've just lived a lie I suppose, just tried not to change things. But in the end the same situation will always eventuate. The hard decisions are always the ones that bring the most change. << Home
It is times like this, that one can understand true emotional pain. Pain that runs past just physical boundaries, pain that runs deep into your core. Tearing you apart from the inside. Blinding all sense of time. Slowly cutting away at your soul, as a part of you disappears. As a part of your very humanity is lost. Does anyone understand that pain. The pain of knowing a whole part of you, a whole part of your existance. Will be gone forever, will never be recovered. It goes further than just regret. It is much more than that. It is the knowledge of knowing. That a part of you, will be lost for eternity. That she will never return. << Home
Happy endings just don't exist for guys like me. Simple as that. We are just fucking wierd to you all. Outcasts in your mind. What the fuck is wrong with the world. << Home
You know for some reason I wasn't depressed like everyone expects me to be.
I had a reason not to be. But instead I wasn't. I guess everyone expects me to naturally be in a shit mood. But I came to a realisation today. It's the kind of realisation someone can only come to when they've been through a lot.
But yeah today I realised that yes shit things happen to me, maybe it isn't exactly fair. But something Ms Abels said sorta clicked in my head.
"It is only through failures that one can learn"
And as cliche as it might seem. In that moment I had one of those 'life flashed before my eyes' moments, except you know excluding the close to death part. The point being I've learn't a lot in the last year and a bit. And I mean A LOT.
So yeah in the end screw you. You wanted to screw me over. Fine then. Fuck you. Fuck my parents. Fuck bothering with girls. Fuck school. Fuck University. Fuck the education system. Fuck the government. Fuck money. Fuck my life. << Home
profile.
Name's Damien, music is the game. Don't know where I'd be without it.
Mucked around with some themes coz I was bored.
Here's my negative release on the world.
Fav Bands
Muse.. Red Hot Chili Peppers Anything that isn't bullshit pop
Wants
Musicman Stingray bass Ferrari 599 Maxda rx7 fortune by veilside
Dislikes>
most bullshit mainstream music annoying girls who like playing with guys most people
The name's Damien.
Just a note. Everything I write on this blog is just shit I need to get out. So if you are a follower and I haven't blocked you. It is probably because I trust you reading all this. So please don't share this link with everyone. Thanks.
---
Might be some things still not working on this.
No comments enabled coz it screws up the coding
Times on this are also screwd
Have fun stalking
Name's Damien, music is the game. Don't know where I'd be without it.